Dear Recruiters...

Hi {name}!

Nice to e-meet you!

I'm writing to let you know that your cold-emails are not only trite, but they are certainly not piquing my interest. I know, I're just doing your job. But at least write me something original and don't try too hard to be so cute with it.

I don't need to be condescended to and spoken to in literal JavaScript to understand that you have a job that you're trying to sell me on. I'm also not a near-graduation college student from 2003 that's impressed by the prospect of "free lunches", "birthday bonuses", or "ping pong tables".

I'm a professional and I'm an adult*.

Do you really want to catch my eye with that position you're trying to fill? You do? Great. Then, please, research my skillset. Please don't send me job reqs for a Java developer when I haven't touched Java in years. But, whoa there, hold on...don't go to high-level. I'm not likely to respond to a "Frontend Engineer" position if that's literally the only tidbit I get (this isn't Tinder, mystique doesn't work). If I have to ask questions just to figure out if I might be interested, my eyes will glaze over and I'll go back to hurling broadsides into cyberspace.

I get it, though. You have a lot of jobs to fill, there's a lot of LinkedIn profiles, and you have a finite amount of time. So maybe templated emails are the only solution. I'll swallow that pill, I guess.

What I won't get used to is stalker-level amounts of emails insisting on a response. Unless you really want me to not respond to a specific job offer, please don't do this. The levels of rage I feel when I have to delete your 4th+ email are indescribable.

Hope to hear from you soon!

(I'll reach back out if I don't hear from you by EOD)


P.S. I sincerely doubt your company is a "disruptor". I've seen that adjective plastered into my inbox so many times I've lost count. Please stop using that word.